


breathing oxygen linked to staying alive

by elvass



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Grief/Mourning, Grieving, M/M, Melancholy, Minor Character Death, Slice of Life, how kageyama decided not to grieve, post-387
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:15:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29079234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvass/pseuds/elvass
Summary: Why not that one guy at the end of the streetyou think again, the pants of this suit are too tight, and the shirt is uncomfortable. Your sister doesn’t cry, because she doesn’t want to ruin her make up, and says systematically thank you to all the people whose sorry for your loss.Why not that one guy at the end of the street, you don’t get in to his high school alma mater, and somehow it’s even worse.***or Kageyama breaths just because he doesn't know how to stop.
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Kunimi Akira
Comments: 5
Kudos: 32





	breathing oxygen linked to staying alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fatal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatal/gifts).



> so i wanted to go to sleep but then it was five am, and idk i start projecting myself on kageyama so there's that

You don’t know what it’s about until sensei asks you to follow him to the teachers’ lounge. Miwa is there, and you understand immediately what it’s happening. Both of you and her do not cry, and sensei actually tells you that they have tissues if you want. You deny, and walk slowly to the class, but you’re afraid you may stop breathing at one point. The sensei inside asks you again if everything is alright, but the one who called you update her with whispers.

No one asks you though, you don’t look at them, but they don’t try to reach for you. For a brief second you stare at your classmates, but not even Kindaichi is paying attention. You take your bag, and you walk slowly towards the exit “Sorry, tell coach I can’t come to practice” you only say to Kunimi while you go out. The other boy doesn’t answer. You feel incredibly empty, and you understand that this is what you’re going to feel forever from now on.

…

You’re in front of his picture, and you see his face, and the first thing that comes to your mind is _why not that one guy at the end of the street_. You know he’s a bad guy, you’ve seen him hitting dogs, but in front of you there is a beautiful picture of your grandfather. Your heart feels empty, and what is left is a false promise. A promise that seems so far away, and that it makes you kind of sick. You know that the only person who’s ever found you was him, and if every person in the world is different, then there is 0% chance that it would happen again.

 _Why not that one guy at the end of the street_ you think again, the pants of this suit are too tight, and the shirt is uncomfortable. Your sister doesn’t cry, because she doesn’t want to ruin her make up, and says systematically thank you to all the people whose sorry for your loss.

 _Why not that one guy at the end of the street_ , you don’t get in to his high school alma mater, and somehow it’s even worse.

…

The only person you know who came to the funeral is Kunimi, you’re surprised and a bit disappointed. You really get that he doesn’t like you today, when his brown eyes look at you, and they don’t feel pity or sadness for you. Or maybe they do, and you just don’t know him well enough.

“The school got you flowers” he doesn’t say he’s sorry, and somehow it’s refreshing. You nod because _of course_ , and you’re ready for him to move on and set your attention to whose next in line. Kunimi stares at you again, and maybe he feels something, but those eyes are almost making you cry, and if your sister doesn’t cry, then you won’t do it the same.

Kunimi doesn’t say goodbye, but he moves in front of his picture, and he stares from him to you. He bows, and then he sits at the end of the room. “It’s nice one of your friends came” Miwa says, and you know she’s thinking about her boyfriend breaking up with her last week. You don’t really care about whether someone was there or not. _He’s not really my friend_ you want to say, but really it’s not worth it. You only ask yourself _why not that one guy at the end of the street_ , the rest doesn’t really seem to falter. 

…

At the end of the day, you still haven’t greeted all the people, but your legs are falling, and you sit down next to Kunimi. He’s still here, he’s looking at his phone, and he doesn’t even realizes you’re next to him.

“You look like him” he says, so maybe he notices you “you have the same smile” which you find weird, because you haven't smiled in a while in Kitagawa Daiichi, and it looks like he’s messing with you.

Yet, you’re tired. You don’t want to hear anything, and you want to yell at your sister to just _cry_ because her face looks constipated, and your bottled tears will end up making you drown from the inside. Your parents aren’t even here yet, and you feel like maybe murdering _that one guy at the end of the street_ may really help right now. You push your nails into your palm, and you feel the burn of it. You hold your breath, and _finally_ maybe that’s the moment you stop breathing for good.

But “Thanks” you say. You release you hand, and take, unfortunately, a deep breath. His picture is in front of you, and even if it was a matter of time, it still does not feel like it’s real.

…

You learn that everyone dies the first time you step a foot in an hospital. There was an accident that day, and you saw a lady full in tears asking why her son couldn’t make it. You don’t really see yourself in that woman, but you still ask yourself that. Your grandfather is not the same as her child, but he was still the same for you.

It’s almost past dinner time, and the place got empty all of a sudden. It’s just you, Kunimi, and Miwa, and your parents are still nowhere to be seen.

“Thank you for coming Kunimi-chan” she says, almost like they just went on a playdate or something. You see him blushing, but just because you know that he’s shy in front of girls.

“I’ll find you at practice” he says only to you, and somehow you’re reminded about that promise.

But, you know you’re right again, and during that one moment at the end of your middle school career, when you wanted to be found, no one is really there.

Maybe you’re destined to be left behind after all.

…

It is what it is, you know even these people don’t really like you, but there is still something that doesn’t make it right. Your sister calls you, she asks whether you’re going to his first anniversary or not. You have a practice match against Seijoh, so you just reply that you’ll try. When you’re in the bathroom, Kindachi just makes a face and leaves, but Kunimi looks a bit surprised.

“Why are you here?” he asks you.

“Practice match”

“Shouldn’t you be with your sister?” his tone is curious more than anything, but you can see what he’s really asking, and his true intentions.

“It’s fine” you say, because admitting that it still burns it counts as defeat, and you will never lose ever again to anyone. He looks at you again, that same expression like the year before, and you really wonder this time what does it mean.

“Whatever” and he leaves. You’re not even disappointed, this is what you’re used to now.

…

Your team is losing. They’re feeling the pressure, but they’re not doing as good as you, and it’s frustrating. The one who claims to be your partner falls exhausted on the wooden floor of the gym in Tokyo city, and that’s when you know that everything is lost. You look him in the eyes. Your greatest opponent, your stronger ally.

“This moment right now… _this is also volleyball_ ” something in your heart ache, you really want to cry. There is something in what sensei is saying that speaks to you, like that promise of so many years ago that you almost feel fading away. You have no idea what it is, and what it’s making you doing this, but as soon as you see the eyes of that person in front of you burning, you _must_ say something, and you do so while holding your breath.

“I win this time too” you know he understands, or you wish he understands. The back of orange hair and a black uniform haunts you in your dreams during the following months.

You think it’s ironic losing the day of your grandfather birthday, or maybe that’s what he deserves for not being here.

…

It’s been six years now, and this is the first time you go during an anniversary. There was always something that came up to do the years before, and Miwa threatened you to shave your head if you don’t show up.

“Who put flowers?” you ask her as soon as you reach the place together. In front of you there is the same picture of six years before, and next to it a small bouquet with blue flowers.

“I don’t know, it’s been like this every year” she tells you. You take the flowers, and you see the letters _KA_ written in the shiny wrap. You don’t want to get your hopes up, so you meditate while your sister cleans the glass of the picture while smiling at him. You still don’t get it, you don’t think you ever will.

…

“Hey, _I’m here_ ” he screams with all the strength he has in his lungs while giggling and striking a point. Almost nine years later from your first encounter, and you still don’t get how much it’s possible being this loud. You’re smiling, and you’re also crying, but you’re also covered in sweats so no one really notices.

This is the first time you’re crying for your grandfather.

The match ends, and you cry some more. Everyone thinks they're happy tears, and most of them are, but when the face of someone you recognized from the audience approaches you, you know he just _gets_ it.

“Kindaichi…” you start at the boy next to him “Kunimi” you stare him in the eyes “let’s play volleyball together” Kindaichi laughs and he vaguely accepts, but Kunimi just smiles at you and rolls his eyes just because.

“Sure, but not when my fave show is on” there is a mutual understanding, you feel like breathing is not such an issue anymore, it feels nice.

…

It’s his tenth anniversary, and Akira makes you wear a suit. You don’t know why, but you say yes. He’s coming with you, and he wears a suit too. Both of you look nice, and the way he’s holding the little bouquet with blue flowers it’s making you smiling during the whole journey. He’s squeezing your hand, and you know now that no one is leaving for now.

“You look just like him, you have the same smile” he says in front of his picture just like ten years before. Promises have been kept, and feelings have been restored. You slightly touch his name on the marble and smile. You knew that the only person who’s ever found you was him, and even if there was 0% chance that it would happen again, you now know that looking back it happened even more than you could ever imagined. At the end, you’re happy to be wrong sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you guys for reading  
> you can find me on @ [elv4ss](https://twitter.com/elv4ss) if you want to scream at me


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